Popping in for an update of sorts

This week has been such a tough time for me. Other than it being busy at work, I got a call from the vet Monday asking what I wanted them to do about Journey. We went to see her Saturday and she was looking so good but they found a mass in her x-ray and wanted to do surgery to remove it. When they opened her she had cancer all over and there was nothing they could do for her. This was one of the hardest calls I have ever gotten. I have been very lucky to have only lost a few people close to me and my animals are my children for now. I couldn't see letting Journey suffer through a painful death from the cancer so I had them put her to sleep while she was under for the surgery. I called my husband and asked him to pick her up and bury her beside my childhood dog at his parent's house. I was so busy at work and had a conference call to sit in on 20 mins after all of this happened. I dried my tears, went to my conference call, got back to my office, felt overwhelming sadness, then called my mom. Funny how the first people I want to talk to when I am is upset is my husband and my mom. I don't think that will ever change! I got enough words out to let mom know it was me and I lost it. Like I posted before I got journey a few months after I moved out on my own for the first time. Journey was around for everything. I lived on my own for 3 years before I was married and she was my company. She was always there when I got home from class or work. She laid beside me at night and purred. She gave me the best kitty kisses ever. I would look at her and and tell her I wanted a kitty kiss and she would rub her nose on mine. She was glued to my side always. She loved "helping" me with my homework by laying on my books. She loved pictures. She had the prettiest multicolored nose. She was always so timid around people other than me and it took her quite awhile to warm up to the hubby. When I would open any kind of canned food she meowed like crazy thinking it was tuna. She used to fetch but then got bored with that trick and went to being a lazy cat who loved to sleep. We used to have a box that held all her toys and she would dump it out and curl up in it. I would tell her I loved her everytime I left in the mornings and she would meow back like she really understood. She used to love sleeping in all my Winnie the Pooh bears. I know she was only a cat and I sound like a crazy cat woman ranting about every little thing I remember about her but my heart is broken,my house is empty despite having Jingles, Sunny, and Shorty all still around, and everywhere I look I think of something about Journey. I walked in my spare room this morning and the curtain was pulled back and looked like she had just jumped down from sitting in it. I walk in my living room and the stains on my carpet from where she got so sick are still there (stupid broken steam mop). I look at Sunny rubbing up against the carrier that the hubby took Journey to the vet in and I feel so bad that he doesn't have his cleaning mate. I just miss her! I miss calling her silly names (Journey Cat, JC, Journ), I miss her rubbing on my legs, I miss her walking like a model, her dainty paws, her adorable markings, and big kitty eyes. I am so thankful that I got the 9 years that I had with her. Journey was the BEST cat a girl could ask for!

Should update but...

not much has been going on. This has been a horrible month at work and today is one of the first days I have slowed down enough to post. I am sooooooooo thankful that the dr upped my happy pills. I was in such a mood from about November forward and I just thought it was the holidays, tight jeans, and a dirty house but I really believe I was on too low of a dose. Although I've been on medication for anxiety/depression for a good 3 years I have been in denial that I really had it until the change the new dose brought on. I think my husband may actually like me more now haha. Benefit of this new dose and happiness...no emotional eating. Yay! Other than that no new news. I go to the high risk dr on Feb 12th to see if they will even approve me to move forward with Fertility treatments. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Other than my weight the only other reason I can see for him denying me is my borderline blood pressure problem. And with a water pill it runs below normal so I'm hoping everything will be a go! I hope the next 2 weeks fly by! I am ready to get started already!

My goal lately has been trying to lose some of my OCD tendencies and lesson the worries of forgetting something. So I bought an old person pill case that is labeled with the days. It is bright orange so at least it's a little fashionable. I fill it each week and there is no matching pills that are new and old to make sure I am taking what I am suppose to be taking. It's one less thing to worry about. Not that I take a ton of pills but the dr put me on 2 vitamins, upped my dose of glucophage for my insulin resistance (now 2 pills), and then there is the happy pill and water pill. Wow that does sound like a ton lol. Anyways my new favorite thing is going to the family dr or urgent care and them reading through my medication list and looking at me with a disappointed look saying "looks like you are having trouble with diabetes" I am polite but correct them and say "no it's PCOS" and they quickly appologize and move on. This has happened to me 2 twice in the past couple months. Yes I am overweight, and yes diabetes runs in my family, doesn't mean I have it.

On to the next story...
I had a voicemail from my almost 2 year old neice yesterday and it sounded like a creepy stalker breathing in the phone and my sister in the background yelling "Put that phone down" So I decided to give her a call and no one answered :( but they called back and we talked. Taylor carried on a conversation with me. She seemed so excited when I told her Uncle Tom Tom and I were coming to see her in a couple days to play with her "Melmo" kitchen and "bocks". Uncle Tom Tom heard me talking to her and ran upstairs before heading off to work to talk to Taylor too. She is really good at saying "wub you" and it melts our hearts! I can only imagine what it will do when it's one of our own.

On a sad note, my kitty is really sick. I got Journey from a shelter when she was a couple months old, right after I moved out of my parent's house. I named her after the occasion. Anyways, she got really sick and messed all over my living room. Hubby took her to the Vet Tuesday morning and they are keeping her through the weekend. I have been a worried kitty mommy. I call twice a day to check on her and they said I can come visit her but I can't make it up there until Saturday (stupid work). She has a bad infection and they have her on strong antibotics and fluids as she is dehydrated. I think I will join Sunny and Jingles in being sad that she isn't home. Mommy misses her!

Probably won't update until after the appointment. But I say that and if I get a wild hair I just might post again before then :)

The Best Laid Plans

I've been MIA for the busy week of work, its like the time of the month just longer ha. I made my way to my regular OBYGN appointment for my annual, what fun! The hubby drove me because I think he really wanted to go, and maybe my tone on the phone indicated I wanted him to go. He stayed in the car and slept while I was poked and prodded. Had a very matter of fact discussion with my Dr. Feel mixed feelings about all of it. I didn't get bad news but my plans that I have been obsessing over the past couple months are pretty much down the drain. I was scheduling so that things wouldn't fall during the "time of the month" at work. At this point if it falls that way, it does. As long as it doesn't snow like crazy (like it did this past week)I can stay late and make up the time. So I'll give you my plans then the tentative plans:

Mine:
trigger a cycle during first week of Feb, start injectibles the second week with IUI to follow on whatever day ending in pregnancy by the end of February. Now this was just my own timeline based on my prior treatments.

Dr's:
Do a cycle while I wait to meet with a high risk OBGYN in February. Start taking prenatals, folic acid, and a higher dose of happy pills to try to get my mood stable. My hubby should be happy with that haha. After meeting with the high risk guy, if he says we are a go then my regular OBGYN wants to do clomid. I will probably talk her out of that since I took the highest dose before with no budge in my numbers. Just hate to waste the money when I know it didn't work before but I guess it's up to the dr and I'll do what she wants to me to do. And while I wait on my next appt, get my butt in gear and go to the gym.

Honestly, I'm worried the high risk dr is going to say no way which is why I'm a little sad by all of it. And the fact that I thought I had it all together and it was in a shorter period of time than what it now is.

Today wasn't a total bust. Found out what my Richmond friend is having but I won't tell since she hasn't announced it to the blog world yet. But I am so excited to start shopping :)

Planning a small weekend get-a-way with the hubby in February. Got an e-mail the other day for lower rates at a nice hotel. Which reminds me, I need to call and book that. Along with my flight to my Grammys in March. Kind of excited to have other things to focus on during all of these appointments.

There's a line in a song that keeps going through my head so I'll leave you with it...

"So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love would be enough
I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna let it be,
I'm gonna lay it down."

So Long Farewell

I wanted to post a New Year post and have lots to say but can't seem to put it all in words. This time last year I was in Florida visiting with Grammy and preparing for my cruise. This year I am sitting in front of my laptop, feeling a little sad because the hubby had to work tonight so no New Year's kiss and sad because my sister asked if I would keep my niece so they could go out and then changed her mind. While I had a really good 2009, I'm glad to see it go. I always look forward to new years and what might be in store.

Some things coming up:

Appts with the obgyn and a new RE to discuss the baby options
A trip to Florida to visit Grammy
My new "niece or nephew" in June from the Hughes
Laramie graduating college
A new position in the company if they ever consolidate the accounting depts
Getting a membership at the local gym for me and the hubby :)

I wish all of you a Happy New Year! Here's to new and exciting things in 2010!

Remember that fat guy you better bring that kid!

If you wanna see New Year’s Eve. This is my favorite line in a Christmas song called the Pretty Little Dolly. They play it on a local radio station every Christmas and I love it. The song is hilarious! But this morning as I listened and was singing along to the song (because that’s how I stay awake in the morning and lets face it, I like to sing) this line made me really laugh. Kind of thought it was fitting for the whole baby struggle that I’m going through. And while I loved pretty little dolls when I was little, it’s time for a real baby. I’ve been lost in my own mind lately. Some of it caused by forgetting to take my happy pills and some just caused from too many baby announcements so close together. I’ve really gotten better at hearing baby news compared to what it used to be but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt. Monday, while watching my guilty pleasure (the sing off) this week I was playing on my blackberry and darn facebook updates of 2 people announcing their pregnancies showed up. Didn’t cry, which is a good thing, but did get really mad and fester in my anger all night. Looked at my manger scene repeatedly and asked God silently in my mind why I have to bear the burden of this. God is so powerful that he blessed Mary with a holy child and I’m just asking for a regular one. I think it’s normal to question God and it wasn’t thought in a disrespectful way. I think it’s very hard to understand the power of God and wrap our minds around what He really can do! I was reading a blog the other night that mentioned that even David questioned God and pretty bluntly and God called David a man after His own heart. I know that God has a much bigger plan than I can see and I pray that it includes a child but at some point I really need to be ok with not having one if that is in the plan. I really am working on my emotions concerning my infertility but it’s a work in progress and as soon as I feel I make a step forward, I take 2 back.

I visited my friend’s church last night because there was a Christmas music concert at mine and I thought it would be a good time to go visit as I’ve been invited many times but felt I couldn’t leave my home church on a regular service night. Anyways, the preacher was going to preach but the service didn’t lead that way and he mentioned that his message was going to be on the last supper and breaking of the bread. He said there were 4 steps to the bread, Jesus got the bread, blessed the bread, broke the bread, and gave the bread. He then said to think about that in our Christian lives, Jesus got us, blessed us, breaks us, and then gives us what we ask. This was just what I needed to hear! Broken is a perfect way to explain how I’ve been feeling through all of this. Broken, but ok if that makes sense. I’m broken hearted but my life is truly blessed with many other things such as a house, the hubby, fur babies, church family, my real family, my little niece that I get to watch grow up, my in-law family, my job, health, and I could go on and on. And I don’t ever want to forget what God has given to me because of one thing I don’t have. I know this post is preachy, and that’s ok. Like I’ve said before this blog is more for me to vent and put my thoughts in writing than to please readers (if I have any left lol). Praying that the brokenness leads to the giving soon, but if not I’ll still serve God like I did before because he gave everything He had for me!

I fear my life will be busy and full of boring nonsense the next week so I probably won’t have much to post. I want to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope santa is good to each of you and that you have a great time with all of your families!

Dashing Through the Crowds

or so I thought. I have a bit of anxiety when it comes to crowds so I tend to avoid them, but not this weekend. I put myself in the middle of every crowd. I actually had a wonderful weekend, just not long enough. This weekend was the best I've felt in a while. Friday was dinner and movie night with the sister. As I posted before I made her tag along to see the DMB concert movie. We got there right on time, no tailgating and when we walked into the theater I busted out laughing. There were only 2 other girls in there. And by girls I mean soccer mom types in their 30's. They started laughing too and struck up a conversation. I love DMB fans :) The 1st band on the movie was horrible. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. The second wasn't horrible but not really my fav. Then DMB came on, Dave was scruffy and sweaty. They only showed 6 or so songs and I left wanting more. So Larms and I put in a DMB live cd, took funny pictures in the car, and drove around for an hour looking at Christmas lights. I miss my nights like that with my sister. Age and boys have made it kind of hard to find time to do random things.

Saturday I went on a mad hunt for Spring Hill Pastry hot dogs. These are the best donuts ever! And I decided it would be a good treat to bring to my hair magic worker (aka stylist). She was appreciative :) Got rid of the red in my hair and am now one color of dark brown. Been awhile since I've been a solid color but I like it! Also got a new cut. And while it's cute, it takes forever to fix! When I get my hair cut short it tends to flip out but with this style it needs to flip under or straight down. Maybe once it grows out a little I will like it more. I told her to do what she wanted and she did. Living on the wild side lol. Went back home, slept until the hubby woke up then we went out to dinner and to the mall. I never have time to spend with him because of the different shifts. I felt bad for skipping out on my former audit staff Christmas party but felt hubby time was way more important. We finished our Christmas shopping basically and drove through Christmas lights at a local park. We even held hands. It was so nice to be a normal couple for a night. It was short lived as he had to go to work but was nice while it lasted.

Sunday was church day. I got home from morning service, did about 2 hours of laundry and Christmas cards then napped. We had home made pulled pork bbq sandwiched for dinner (thank goodness for crockpots) so dinner was ready when the hubby woke up. I woke up from my nap coughing and with my chest feeling very heavy. Decided I had better stay home to keep from spreading my possible germs. Spent the evening watching Lifetime movies and resting. All in all a great weekend!

Woke up this morning still feeling bad but am at work trying to focus. Hard to do when you don't feel the greatest.

Still in shock that Christmas is next week.

Blah, Blah Bells

That describes my Christmas spirit this year. I love my decorations and even have greats ones at the office. I have been listening to Christmas music since black friday. Took the dog (who ironically enough is named Jingle Bells, she's a Christmas puppy)to get her picture taken with Santa. I have even finished most of my shopping, but something still isn't clicking this year. Christmas is usually my favorite time! I look forward to it every year. I fear I am getting older :( that's the only reason I can figure out as to why my Christmas spirit is deminishing. My poor readers, I fear I my blogs are all depressing and such as of late. I believe the only time I feel like writing is when I'm stressed, down, or mad. Those have been the typical emotions lately.

Watched the biggest loser finale last night. Not sure if I have mentioned it before but I actually sent in an audition tape for the show. One of my managers had the idea and I didn't want to let him down so I did it. I poured my heart out on this tape and application. I even took unflattering pictures to attached to it. Never did receive a call but thought maybe it was due to the show not doing couples this season. So last night as the hubby and I were watching the finale (Team Danny!) they showed a preview to the new season. I looked at the hubby and said "Wow, what a way to find out you still didn't make it on the show" We laughed so hard but I was kind of being serious. I wonder what it takes to get on there. I need some connections! I would be like Rebecca and cry all the time, hey it makes for good tv.

On a lighter note, I purchased 2 tickets to the DMB live in concert 3D movie today for Friday at 7:30 pm. Dare I say I am excited to see this! I suckered my sister into going to a movie, didn't tell her which one just that I needed a date. She always goes along on my adventures and she knows she will get free food out of the deal so of course she said yes! Can't wait! Hope it is as good as I think it will be. I miss my boys! Afraid it might make me miss them more though. It will be interesting to see the crowd that shows up at the theater. Wonder if they will be tailgating outside before coming in. How funny would that be to pull into the theater and see rows of cars with canopies, grills, corn hole, the whole nine yards. Will update if that is the case!

Back to pretending to work. Blah humbug!